Dear Thesis*

Dear Thesis,

Tonight I spent several hours looking at you as others might. I know--we said we'd never do such a thing. Ever since I let your whimsical voice speak through my fingertips at the keyboard, part of the deal was that this whole undertaking rested on giving outside critics and eyes the big bird, the middle finger, the Up Yours.

But over the past month, I feel like I've been, well, running on fumes. It's not that we're not enough, or the magic isn't necessarily there anymore, it's just that I think I need to breathe in a little bit of the outside world in order to re-fuel. I want to be energized for you, but I also want to engage you purposefully. My act of letting others in wasn't a betrayal--don't say that. They're good people; good writers. I trust them. Do you think I'd let anyone see you in this vulnerable stage? No! That's not what I mean. I love your messiness, the way you run together, so that some paragraphs could just as easily be reversed, or tacked onto a section six or ten pages later. I love that about you. It's what first drew me to you.

So I did a little "outlining" instead of expanding your hidden gems tonight. I used the color-coded tabs. No, no, that's fair. You're right. I also used post-it notes to write possible chapter titles instead of engaging with you emotionally during valuable Us Time.

I know, I know. It was a lot of cutting and pasting. Yes. I hear you. I was organizing things according to time instead of theme or how I felt the vibe. I'm harshing the mellow, as you say. Hey. Look at me. Don't say that! I think about you all the time even when I'm not thinking I'm thinking about you, or staring at you, even when the screen saver does come on repeatedly within an hour. We don't have to be doing things together all the time to still be on the same page, in a manner of speaking, you know?

Sometimes I'll do some organizing, some processing on my own. But this isn't some harbinger of separation or abandonment. I'm here. What. What is it? Oh. You heard that? Well, in a workshop, sometimes people make suggestions. No, I do not think you are going to be a diary entry. No I do not. I was just being open to different voices when I nodded my head to that guy's suggestion.


Now. Get some rest. Yes, that's fine. You can minimize on sleep mode; I'll plug in.
Don't worry so much. You worry too much.


Good night.

Love,
Alison
















PS Thesis? You awake?
I promise to never, ever, turn you into a diary. You can bet your life on it.

*concept debt to J.Tamayo